wisdom of the sands

"The tree is more than first a seed, then a stem, then a living trunk, and then dead timber. The tree is a slow, enduring force straining to win the sky." -- The Wisdom of the Sands

In my mind, I am remembering the children sing at church, their voices sweetly mingling. Slightly out of tune, slightly unsynchronized. But so sweet and pure that I find myself standing mesmerized, head tilted and heart warmed.

Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" has always been my favorite Disney princess. She's not quite as popular as the other princesses, lacking the glamour of Cinderella or the queenly poise of Sleeping Beauty. But I like her habit of reading and rereading her favorite books and her morning routine of meandering through town with a book in her hand. I was always touched by how she cared for her elderly father and willingly imprisoned herself in a dark castle with a beast so that he might go free. And the scene where she sang alone in a meadow of dandelions? That is something I've always dreamt of doing!

The tale haunted me as child. That a rose can determine life and death. That the petals slowly falling down, one by one, could be so beautiful and yet terrible a thing.

The tale uplifted me as a child. That a selfish prince could learn to love. That a beast and a prince could be one and the same. That a man can change.

Wisdom from Saint-Exupery

"If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars." -- The Little Prince

"All of us have had the experience of a sudden joy that came when nothing in the world had forewarned us of its coming -- a joy so thrilling that if it was born of misery we remembered even the misery with tenderness." -- Wind, Sand and Stars


I can understand these quotes. =)

An observation

I notice so many people twiddling with their cellphones while walking, waiting for the bus, waiting for class to start, etc. Our culture has become so technologified (a word I made up) that it's almost scary!! It's almost as if our computers, I-phones, mp3 devices, etc, are tools to cope with loneliness or boredom. It's interesting, and slightly unnerving, to see how technology is steering our lifestyles. We are so disoriented and even helpless without our various gadgets! I personally am very fond of my laptop hehe. =)

In other news, chocolates, naps, and hot showers are very, very good things. =) Small and affordable luxuries!

I had a lovely Monday yesterday. =) There was tiramisu cake in the community room at work, and who am I to pass up on any type of cake (except cheese cake)? So I had a small slice and savored every creamy, sweet bite as a refreshing break from work. I actually enjoyed econ discussion yesterday -- I was intent on paying attention so that I would understand my problem set better.. and so it felt so good to be actually learning and not just a confused little girl staring blankly at models and graphs and equations!

Then Keith had a chocolatey present for me and we spent a nice lunch / afternoon together. =)

Nighttime was mostly devoted to small group and the busy chatter of eight girls trying to sort out their emotions and eager to share stories from their week. Before that, I hurried with a friend to her apartment to pick up a boardgame and I saw the most beautiful sky floating above me, and so I excitedly pointed it out to her. Her reply? "What? That isn't that nice!" And I realized that my opinion of a beautiful sky / sunset differs from many people's. I know a lot of people who like bold, exuberant colors splashed gloriously onto the sky. The sun setting in vibrant shades of red and orange.

I like those sunsets too, but I am moved most by the subtle skies -- porcelain blue sunsets tinted with purplish pink and laces of silvery clouds. I like pearl-colored sunsets. The colors aren't quite as vibrant, but the sky itself seems to hold back a secret, a mystery, which I long to penetrate. I really appreciate the subtlety, the faint blend of colors, the lone star twinkling above a purple bar of clouds. And so I tilt my head upwards and soak in the divine beauty arched above me and feel once more that there exists such a thing as devastating beauty which can both pain and uplift the heart.

I like a sky which dreams. =)

Sunday Highlights

The last heat wave makes me so grateful for the current dip in temperature! I'm loving the chilly breeze and snuggling into warm, big sweaters! I like wrapping myself up in my two blankies and transforming into a warm burrito while the icy air tries to creep in. So much better than the sweltering heat and the stuffy air which swept over Berkeley last week!

Sunday highlights: As usual, I enjoyed singing during church and participating in the comforting routine of the Doxology and eating the yummy snacks after service. The afternoon was devoted to economics, although I kept distracting myself by listening to music videos and fighting off an urge to nap. Nighttime was all about unagi-don, Snakes on the Plane, and an episode of The Amazing Race which made me collapse into helpless laughter. I love laughing!

I was looking up Impressionist artwork, and I realize how much I like this particular art form! I like the dreamy qualities of the paintings and the emphasis on light and movement. Impressionist art fills me with a strange sort of yearning, delight, and strangely, nostalgia. =) It's as if I'm seeing something which I've glimpsed before in a dream or in a subconscious state. I actually haven't been to many art museums, but how I want to go!! I want to go to the Lourve! I want to go to so many museums and I want to travel!

I am currently thinking of peaches with the scent of summer, white-walled churches, kites flying over a grassy park, and sitting by candlelight. =) =) =)

Found a new song I like: Clinging to the Cross.

I like duets. =)

I've had questions, without answers

I've known sorrow, I have known pain

But there's one thing, that I'll cling to

You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior

When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the long hour of my sorrow

From the darkest night of my soul

You surround me and sustain me

My defender forevermore

I will praise You

I will praise You

When the tears fall, still I will sing to You

I will praise You

Jesus, praise You

"When the Silence Falls" by Tim Hughes

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I've had those dark nights before, and I'm sure many have had darker ones, when the world seems swallowed up by hopelessness and grief and perhaps even anger-- when a family member is sick, when money problems abound, when friends betray.

Still, the morning brings brighter and better things. For me, things have always gotten better eventually, and I feel blessed. No matter how dark those nights were -- when my dad was undergoing surgery, or when I cried after my sister left for college -- the sun always rose and sent hopes of warmth.

The Dalai Lama

I saw the Dalai Lama today. =) To be honest, I expected an inspiring speech laced with words of wisdom, and initially I leaned forward eagerly to catch every word. My co-worker had once told me that the Dalai Lama emanates peace, and so there I was sitting on the scratchy lawn in the bright sunlight, trying to feel peace and holiness settle upon me. But it turned out that the Dalai Lama was just an ordinary man, or more ordinary than I expected. He sneezed, he scratched his head, he laughed heartily. And you know what? That was better than any mysterious and unapproachable holy man shrouded in clouds. More than anything, the Dalai Lama was an extremely likeable man, and a funny one too. I can't claim to know anything about him, but my impression was that his peace stemmed from living a life of simplicity and happiness. This was a man who truly knew what was important in life.

When asked what advice he would give to graduating college students, the Dalai Lama replied, "I don't know.. The next step is to get a job, find your partner.." The audience chuckled, for his advice was such common sense and yet his candor and simplicity were endearing and refreshing. Although I nodded off sometimes, I left the Greek Theater feeling happy. =)

Remembering

I am thinking about vacationing -- past family vacations and the comforting familiarity of being surrounded by my parents and siblings even in a strange setting and a new country. I am thinking of the humid walks in China, the temples with the golden statues and the stoic-faced monks in long robes, the puffs of incense clinging to the walls. I am thinking of our boat rides through the villages and the way the waves slurped against the side of the boats and the watery slant of sunlight against tilted wooden roofs.

I am thinking about Hong Kong and the brightly lit billboards and the crowded streets with the thick, conjested traffic. I am thinking about the haze of smoke smothering me as I walk and the sadness I feel when I see people, young or old, smoking. I am thinking of delicious Peking duck and pigeons roasted to perfection and dim sum served by red-faced and sweating waiters. I am thinking of small shops lining the street selling the cutest and cheapest merchandise.

I am thinking of Australia and the white sands of the Gold Coast and the emptiness of the beach as my family and I ran up to the blue waves, as if there was no one else in the world but us. I had never seen such white sand, so fine and powdery and clean. I am thinking of the Twix ice-cream cone I was busy eating on the beach, and how astounded and happy I was to discover an entire Twix bar hidden beneath the ice-cream. That was enough to make me happy the whole day.

I am thinking of Bangkok and the children beggars lining the streets and the ache in my heart whenever I passed their tiny bodies contorted against the dirty floor. I am thinking of starting an orphanage for the children of the world, and teaching them to love and to read and to appreciate music and to help others.

I am thinking of a particular instance in China when my sister and I turned to each other on the tour bus after discussing how fortunate we were in comparison to many we had seen on our travels. We promised each other that we'd never forget what we'd seen. I don't want to forget.

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I am glad I came to Berkeley. Not only have I met the best and only Tree for me, and the funniest friends, but I've learned that the world consists of many, many types of people. I was secluded in safe and small Dublin for six years, and all I knew was surburbia and grassy parks and smiling neighbors waving hello as they mowed their lawn. I was surrounded by stability --never once did I see a homeless person on the street. Families with children, couples strolling to the movie theater, children skateboarding.. the only "rebels" were the teens with their baggy streets and their pseudo-ghetto language parading the streets.

In Berkeley, the homeless are part of the landscape. I used to be afraid when I passed them, and sometimes I still get nervous if it's nighttime. But I know they must have stories and histories, personalities and hopes. It breaks my heart.

On singing and work

I feel like the laziest person ever. It's so hard to motivate myself to study, and ever since my last midterm, I've been weaving poems in my mind and listening to music and disappearing into Chen-Chen land. =) I realized that I really love singing when I walk, and sometimes I peer around to make sure no one is nearby to hear me loudly warble out Christian or Disney songs, which are my two favorite choices! I love singing in general -- in the shower, in between bites of food, during TV commercials.. Me encanta mucho cantar! =)

I'm currently at work.. I love having my own desk and my own computer and my own bulletin board. It's hard to get much privacy though, since my computer is facing the main office space, and anyone walking in and out can easily see what I'm doing. I like listening to office gossip, checking the community room for snacks, and I even like "doing work" (sometimes). Hehe But you know, I feel like I like all this because I know it's only temporary, and I can stop whenever I want to..

I've been craving some books to read, but I'm scared to purchase a new book in case it distracts me even more from schoolwork. Still, it's not like I've been studying much in the first place, so maybe I will look up some new books to read. Trouble is that I am very picky and particular about the books I read. I like inspirational books which compel me to think. I like lyrical books with beautiful prose. I like funny books which make me chuckle out loud to myself. I stay away from books like "Twilight" and romance novels, which are full of cliches, stilted language, and predictable plots. Eeps!

In other news, I am so excited for summer to come! Even though I'll be taking organic chemistry this summer, I love the relaxed feel of summer and the hours of free time eating ice-cream and reading books and spending time with my loved ones!

I am sentimental, sensitive, curious.
I am a daughter, a sister, a lover.
I am in transition, caught in the middle
of years which stretch behind and ahead
I am a kite lost in the sky
A flower newly budding
A tune riding through the wind.

The Starfish Story

I read a story this evening which I'd like to paraphrase. It is a story of a starfish.

Once, an old man was walking down the beach when he ran into a small boy picking up a starfish and cradling it gently in his hands. The boy was about to throw the starfish back into the water, for the sun's merciless rays had almost dried up the starfish's delicate skin. The old man observed that there were hundreds of other starfish stranded on the hot sand, and remarked, "Son, what difference is your one action going to make?"

The boy looked at him, then at the tiny starfish in his hands. As he bent down to place the starfish in the water, he said,"It makes a difference to this one", and smiled.

First Baseball Game

Yesterday was such a blue-sky, cool-breeze, frozen-lemonade type of day! I watched my very first live baseball game at AT&T park, and it was better than I had anticipated. I never used to like baseball, partly due to the embarrassment from middle school / high school PE of swinging hopelessly at the ball in front of the whole class. HEHE! But yesterday, I actually enjoyed myself and paid attention to the game, cheering with the fans and groaning inwardly when my favored team struck out. Still, I think the best part was the atmosphere of it all -- the clear blue skies and sunny weather, the beautiful ball park, the fans erupting in collective cheers. And I like singing the "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" song!

And after that, we watched Disney's newly released "Earth" movie, which I thought was just SPECTACULAR! I loved seeing the little baby creatures and their adorable wonder and curiousity at encountering the world. Some parts were very sad (ex. when the predators caught the prey), but it forced me to confront the fact that survival is hard in the wild. It's very easy for me to feel removed from the rawness and cycle of nature since I'm constantly surrounded by human urbanity. I loved the intimacy between mother and child -- the elephant nudging her son along the dusty African path, or the mother whale slapping the water with its fins to reassure the baby of its presence. Nature is truly beautiful, majestic, and powerful all at once! And we have to do something about the melting polar icecaps so that polar bears can have a platform to hunt on!

The day ended with our favorite crepes and gelato. =)

Update

Suffering presents an opportunity to see God.

You know, it's true that Christians tend to be troubled. Tiny tragedies hidden behind silver crosses and hymn songs. I won't deny that oftentimes I approach God when I'm sad or when the world seems to be falling apart around me. Right now I'm struggling with a sickness and have been frantically beseeching God to heal me, to make it go away, to make everything alright. And I know it's deeply hypocritical of me to run to Him when I need help and forget Him a few days after He fixes everything. Still, I hope God understands, that He sees and is somehow merciful. =)

Today our suite met up to eat dinner at Barney's and then cake at Bryan and Parth's apartment. I like how our conversations can range from cow-tipping to humanities v. tech classes to tentative plans of our future graduation trip. The heat was stifling, and it felt good to gather around the coolness of the living room (well, cool compared to outside) while eating ice-cream cake and chatting. I really do hope we get to go on our graduation / spring break trip! I think it's worth having the memory to laugh at and reminisce over in the future. =)

I read "Memories of a Boy Soldier" last Monday and felt glad to be doing some leisure reading. To read for pleasure is truly a blessing. =)

Via Tea and Whimsy

Yesterday I sat on the bus with a woman who painted her lips green and white and wore a construction hat full of scribbles. Although I tried to occupy my mind with other thoughts, somehow I was drawn to her colorful figure occupying the middle portion of the bus. She had a little cart full of clothing and random objects, including what looked like a plastic dog wrapped in a blanket. She talked to herself, and I strained to listen to what she had to say although I sat at the back of the bus.

It occurred to me that perhaps "abnormal" people live in a world governed by its own reasons and laws. Maybe there's no such thing as "madness" or "craziness" per se. Maybe we just label people abnormal if they deviate too far from our own societal constructs of normality. But you know... when I saw the elaborate symbols she had written over her face and hat, it struck me that perhaps to her all this was logical. Her world made sense to her, though not to me.

Continued later

Quirky

Quirky.

I like that word.

It reminds me of a cheeky half-smile, a joke that lingers long after the laughter fades, memories slightly blurred by summer haze.

=)

Smile!